So it has been a little over a month since I cut myself off of twitter. Here is what I have learned:
1. I haven't been spoiled on a show in over a month. I made a brief trip over to twitter tonight just to see what was going on and to see if I felt any nostalgia only to have a huge fat spoiler thrown into my face. Then I remembered the number 1 reason for wanting to leave twitter and that was that half the shows I might have wanted to watch (Dr. Who and Once Upon a Time for instance) had been completely and utterly spoiled for me to the point that it was rather useless to even care about them anymore. Now that I have a Hulu Plus subscription, and I'm catching up on shows, I want to stay surprised and stay away from spoilers as much as possible.
2. I know a lot less about some of you... but at the same time I don't because the content I was getting wasn't really about YOU per say. I miss seeing updates from marissameyer about her book progress as those were always fun to fangirl over. I miss seeing most of your faces pop up across my feed and know you are well but in the end I realized that most of what is spoken about are things that I'm just not into. I like some YA books (I love all genres) but that is not my main interest and it isn't my life. I'm not a Harry Potter fan. I have no aspirations to be an author myself... and many times I felt a bit left out of conversations because besides the TV shows you guys love to chat about together (and spoil XDDD can I mention that a few more times?) that is about the only content that I see. I can't really relate to that and it feels foreign to try honestly.
3. I love all of you. I miss you a lot. It has taught me how little I share of myself though because I was limiting myself to 140 characters and that just isn't me. I think for now I'll be staying here on LJ and facebook and trying my best to share more and more about my life. I want to be me (and not force myself into a square peg of discussions) and to care about all my friends and support you all. So for now I will keep to places that let me ramble and don't limit me so much. Maybe when I'm cleverer and can fit what I feel into fewer characters I'll come back. :)
Boku no Hane wa Kimi v1
Full Moon v2-4
Gakkou no Sensei v3-4
Goraihou Gakuen e Youkoso! v5-9
Hana mo Arashi mo! v1
Shitsuren Chocolatier v1
Hitotsu no Shigusa mo v1
Kanjou Hakubasen Shashou no Ei-san v1
Larry in a Mansion v1
Love Pani v1-2
Nakizakura Kitan v1
Nejimakiboshi to Aoi Sora v1
Oh! My Prince v2
Raspberry Field no Majo v2
Ruri no Kaze ni Hana wa Nagareru v2
Shitateya Koubou Artelier Collection v1-2
Tamashii Shizume v2
Toraware Gokko v1-3
Yasashii Ryuu no Koroshikata v3-4
Some of you have seen all of these and some of you haven't but please go check them out if you are interested. ^_^
Follow me to the 30 icons!
This is a very strong community with lots of activity! (We just had an icon contest with 56 entries!) So if you love Sailor Moon, love to write, love puzzles, love to make icons and graphics, and most important want to make a lot of awesome friends you should make your way over and sign up today.
Make sure to mention that jojo_da_crow of Team Chaos sent you!
But in case you have been thinking about it...
1. We have a new status for people who just want to hang out with SM fans but don't have time for the challenges. You can request to be a social member and just join us for chats and watch parties. :)
2. It is a great place for any fan of Sailor Moon to have fun. You don't have to have a deep knowledge of the show to participate.
Plus you know I'm awesome and I'm there. *strut*
Anyway come on over today and when you sign up please tell them Jojo from Chaos sent you!
You should come on over to sailormoonland and join the fun. If you love the series you will love this community. It only takes a few hours every week (I think I spend maybe 1-2 hours a week but i'm crazy and do all the challenges) and you get to do neat things like make graphics, fanmixes, write stories, and do fun puzzles. ^_^
SOOOOO.... come on over. If you do decide to sign up please let them know that jojo_da_crow from smlchaos sent you! I get points for every person I recruit. ^_^
If you guys like any of these enough to use them, please credit me. Also if you like any of them enough that you want me to make you one from another fandom let me know. If I have time I might whip something up!
( Icons under the cut! )
By now most of you have probably heard about this community (well those of you interested in Sailor Moon) but for those of you who aren't familiar. I wanted to take a moment to ask you to consider joining sailormoonland if you do indeed love this series.
In this community we basically have 3 teams that compete against each other. How do we compete? Well we have challenges that involve things like series trivia, making icons, writing drabbles, and other fun photo shopping opportunities. Most importantly we are a group of really fun people who love each other and are friends. Unlike other land communities the core group of girls who started this were friends beforehand. In addition we have made many new friends.
So in short if you want to make some awesome friends and be creative come on over and have some fun with us. When you join please let them know that jojo_da_crow sent you as I get team points for everyone who signs up.
Thanks guys! I don't normally talk about my geeky hobbies but this one is to much fun not to pass along to other people who might like the show as much as I do. :)
You see, anyone that knows me knows that I am passionate and hardworking when given a task. I have been my whole life.
7th grade someone handed me a trumpet. I wasn't supposed to get that good at it. You see all my classmates had been playing since they were in 5th grade. They had two years experience on me. Eventually I'd learn but did I even let that phase me? No. By grade 8 I was playing 1st part on pieces with people who'd been playing the instrument for 8 years.
The same with drama. I joined because our high school had never had one. I had no acting ability (the stage fright... oh the stage fright) but somehow I managed to still become Back Stage Manager and run half the rehearsals. How this came about? I have no idea... but I did it and I did it with passion so I had a place on that set that was important.
When I found the perfect church as a teenager... I threw myself into it with abandon. I was there for Sunday school, Sunday morning service, early for Ensemble, followed by Youth Chorus, followed by Youth Bible Study, followed by the Sunday night service. Of course I was also there every single Wednesday. It was there that I started feeling God poking at me that if I did something I could do something great.
The problem was... I didn't know what that something was. At the time people told me I had a "Calling" to service in the Church. I loved my Church, and I loved what was going on in my life... so I jumped on that road with a new gusto.
In college (where I met so many beautiful people) I found that in order to go on to Seminary (where I had decided to be a Missionary because I felt a great need to give back to people) I had to have a B.S. in anything. It didn't really matter what it was... I just had to have it. So to get a jump up on my studies I went with a Christian Ethics/Christian Studies degree. Again I jumped in with gusto... and also found the Student Activities Counsel AND worked my way up to weekend Supervisor of the school Library. Again... I had huge amounts on my plate and I was doing it all with as much passion as I could. Until I ran out of it... I started getting depressed and started realizing that maybe Seminary and Missions weren't what I was "Called" to do. Then I started realizing that sadly... I didn't even know what I'd do with an undergraduate Ethics degree. At that point it wasn't something you normally got at that level... to do anything useful with it you really needed to get a Masters... and I was suddenly failing at all my studies due to depression. How was I supposed to go on to the Masters/Doctorate level? Slowly my course and path started to melt in front of my eyes and I woke up bewildered wondering what was next for me?
After I left college with the intention of going back once I was well... I fell into a similar situations. Jobs where I put myself into it with as much gusto as I could. Suddenly my passion was being fueled into other people's dreams. I was working myself to death so that people would be proud of me so that I could feel a sense of place. SO I'D FEEL A FALSE SENSE OF SELF WORTH. I was a work-a-holic and was getting nothing out of it except helping other people live their dreams.
And then I crashed and burned again. Lost everything. My gusto for everything left me. I was an empty vessel unable to even participate in my beloved hobbies I'd had for years (which I had also consequently dug myself in too deep. Scanning 13 volumes of manga a month is a little too much for anyone I think...)
And now I'm sitting at a new place. A great place most people say. But it is frustrating. Frustrating because for the first time in my life I can go any direction and do ANYTHING. I can live my dream...
But I don't know what my dream is anymore. I don't know what I'm passionate about. I'm barely living most days. But I'm waiting... searching... seeking my dream. Because I feel like once I find it, I can finally go after it with the gusto I have with everything else in my life.
THAT excites me.
Now to find the dream... Wouldn't that be frustrating to you? To not know your dream and have the means to go for it and get your second chance?
I'll find it. Please pray it isn't before I get sucked into something I'm not passionate about though... and before I decide it isn't worth it and start funneling all my passions once more into something I don't really love and into someone else's dream.
I have been dealing with depression for a great chunk of my life. Some of those years I had it under control. I'd have an occasional spell of it but always been able to bring myself back from it. The worst I had dealt with before this was my last year of college (that I never completed because of the depression.)
For the past 9 months now I have been dealing with a very dark depression along with anxiety and panic attacks. I am going to a therapist and a psychiatrist and taking medicine. I spend about $400+ a month on mental health as I have no insurance. I have been clinically tested and score very high across all three major depressions and scored high in diminished self worth.
I am unemployed and made the decision to move home where I felt that I could better take care of myself. I can't say it has been unwise but I'm once again dealing with extreme culture shock. The claustrophobia that comes with being around so many people who have so many different views than you and not having very many people to turn to and talk openly with because of an ensuing argument is frustrating.
I am now on my 4th round of medicines to see if any of them will help. We found a help for my anxiety but I am finding that it is quickly taking more and more of it to help keep that under control.
As for my depression (which is the worst of it) we have found nothing yet that helps. Apparently I am one of the few people whose body is very sensitive to serotonin. This means when I take it things like passing out at the wheel of my car happens. Or almost fainting in Wal-Mart and having to be wheel chaired out by my mother. Currently they are trying me on an over the counter medicine called SAM-e. It isn't helping... I think it may me making it worse. I'm not sure. I'm still in the "wait and see phase." The wait and see if something really bad happens as a side effect phase or wait and see if I hit the depression lottery and one day I feel a lot better.
If this doesn't work, we may have to go to one of the depression medicines that is in capsule form. I'll be cracking those open and pouring small amounts of it into a drink every morning until my system can build up an immunity to it in my system. Apparently that is one of my last hopes. After that I don't know what happens. I'm sure my doctor will have some ideas but it is still scary.
Regardless I am tired. I'm frustrated. All I want to do is sleep because I get frustrated when I try to do things I used to love or try to find new things to try to love. None of it is working. I spend the majority of my days crying and sleeping because I feel like I'm just going to be like this forever and that life will never move past me living with my mother in my childhood bedroom.
I just need to know from someone out there who has been through this that it will get better. Just please even if it is in pm and you don't want to share it publicly. Just please tell me it gets better. I don't want to hear, "I'm sure It'll get better." I need to hear a story. Something personal. I need to know that a real person has felt like I do now (for this long) and that they pulled themselves out.
Maybe there isn't anyone here but I'm just tired guys. I'm getting so tired and I don't know what to do.